Feministic.
Blog #2.
I’ve been diving into so many boudoir sessions lately, I’m absolutely loving it. The confidence & light I get to watch come out during the sessions are incredible. Yes, boudoir is underrated and over-sexualized. It’s so much more than just ‘taking sexy photos.’
Boudoir has become my favourite type of creative photography, a niche of mine. I couldn’t feel more thankful to watch the most shy women take a huge dive, meet up with stranger, open up about insecurities - realize you’re SO not alone - and then walk out the door with a shit ton of confidence you had no idea was there. It’s bold & beautiful, it’s top tier self-care and saying ‘no matter how I feel today, I'm choosing to love myself.,’ and that is so powerful.
This blog isn’t to promote my boudoir (ok, maybe little) but it’s to open up as the woman on the other side of the camera who…. hasn’t even had the confidence to do one herself. So here’s my backstory with myself, my body image and how boudoir has changed my view (a trigger warning for those struggling with body image, and related terms).
I was always a very slim person up until the age of 25. I had no clue I had a bad relationship with food until around a year ago. I grew up in an ingredient household, in the weight watchers, diet & ‘if you don’t want an apple, you’re not that hungry’ type of way. Eating past 6pm was shameful, even if you didn’t have the chance to eat earlier. Portions were watched, food was micromanaged, treats were a very rare occasion, etc. And that’s not to say it was anyones fault, it that was the 2000’s coke-skinny era being shoved in our face but it definitely altered how I viewed food.
I learned that being skinny was the ideal body image painfully young and without knowing it, I was purposely watching everything I ate from a young age. I remember being scared that someone watching me eat a sweet or junk food would judge me, call me fat or say I was ‘pigging out’, so I refrained and acted like I was too full or not hungry, while drooling over it at the same time. This carried heavily into my teenage years; making sure boys never saw me eat food, shoving something in my mouth before an event so I wasn’t tempted to later eat in front of people. And then it hit my adult years, not eating food until I’ve done enough work or activity to ‘justify’ eating and feeling insanely guilty when I try and break these habits and eat simply when I’m hungry. Thankfully I’ve improved significantly, especially mentally but I also see the physical damage I’ve done to my body and how it now processes and breaks down food. I’ve disrupted my stomach acid immensely - to the point I need extra help to simply break down my food on time - bloating to the point of severe pain when eating anything, high cortisol, digesting food drains my entire energy, etc. I did the damage, I hurt myself by trying to simply ‘fit in.’
Now where am I going with this… basically, you’re not alone. Every woman struggles with body image. Even the ones who grew up in a healthy household, the ones who always stayed in shape, the ones who are not the slightest bit shy online. EVERY WOMAN. And every woman of every shape & size is allowed to feel this way. Most of us struggle with body dysmorphia and rightfully so; have you seen how society treats & conditions us? I am actually terrified to hop in front of the camera myself, even for a simple photo. Why? Because I have crippling body dysmorphia, along with never accepting my new body after I became an adult, a woman, no longer a teenager. I stopped taking photos of myself when I started to gain my womanhood weight. I wanted to disappear online. I removed my personal social media mainly because I wouldn’t dare take a photo of myself anymore, so what was the point. If I got caught in a photo and saw the results, I’d spiral, I’d go into full “I need to workout, how have I let myself go, is this actually me? How can I let myself walk around like that.” mode. Horribly dark thoughts, feeling as if I’m not worthy because I didn’t keep up my image - and what image was that? - my teenage body. Now I have rarely any photos of myself over the last few years; looking back I feel like I stop living because I simply gained weight. And only now, am I starting to realize the weight doesn’t fucking matter, at all and it’s actually there for a reason. If I had my teenage weight, I’d most likely be in the hospital fighting to survive. I am a WOMAN, my body can and is now ready to give birth to a human, so of course I’m going to see my hips widen, my stomach hold onto weight, my arms get bigger. And this isn’t to say I’ve cured my body dysmorphia and those horrible thoughts, they’re still there but most often they’re no longer my own voice, they’re a stranger who has no idea who I am and the reasons my body is built this way. When I hear these thoughts, I let them pass, disregard them and go about my day.
The more you love yourself, and I mean TRULY love yourself, the more the body dysmorphia goes away. What does loving yourself look like (from my journey)?
Taking those photos with your friends, stop being the designated cameraman.
Seeing yourself in a photo that you’re unhappy with and choosing to view the beauty around you, the friends, the family, the background of your favourite place. It’s okay to not focus on yourself and realize the overall beauty.
Taking a step back from a photo if you’re not in a good headspace to confront it - come back on a good day.
Talking to yourself with sympathy and reiterating ‘no one can see this photo through my eyes,’ because our eyes have body dysmorphia for ourselves, others eyes do not. It’s more than likely that others think you look great and say that to you because, you do.
Hundreds of strangers have appreciated so may things about you; you’re admired more than you could imagine.
Taking a risk like boudoir or a fun solo shoot - and realizing it’s not a performance, competition or challenge to have the BEST results - it’s simply documenting yourself right now in this moment. It can stay private and you can work mentally on that gallery for as long as you need. Remember how we always look years back and think ‘wow, I looked so good, why was I hard on myself?”, babe.. you’re still in that cycle. Break it.
Confidence is sexy, we all know that; you can fake it til’ you make (just make sure it’s attainable for you <3)
Who you view as the most beautiful women, can often be 1000x more self-conscious than you are; appreciate what you have.
Comparison is the thief of happiness; mute & block that toxic diet culture anywhere you see it. What works for you, works for you. You know your body best. There is a difference in seeking advice, help & motivation vs. pushing & forcing a narrative that actually keeps you further away from self love & acceptance. You do not need to change yourself or your shape, you can simply start by nourishing and moving. Let the results speak for themselves.
Embrace the change in your body and get new clothes that fit. You do not ned to hold onto the old clothing as a ‘reminder to get in shape.’ Trust me, it’s so freeing. And yes, every store makes their sizes different, you’re not crazy.
If nothing ‘grew’ in this world, that would be absolutely horrifying and everything would be considered dead. Growth is beautiful in all shapes & sizes. You want that little houseplant to grow, right? Why wouldn’t you be allowed to do the same and have that be beautiful?
No one will love you better than you; you are responsible to fulfill that.
Make a checklist for yourself over the next while to learn to love yourself. Even something as simple as ‘getting a photo with my best friends.’ An effective, wholesome start. Embrace the change, the growth, how AMAZING it is that everything that makes up your body allows you to move, have thoughts, experience delicious new foods and tastes. We are walking miracles and you think we’re going to let weight determine that? Nah sis, love yourself, it’s the newest trend that’s here to stay.
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-River <3