where is my head at?
Blog #1.
I used to write blogs quite often back in the day, I miss it. I miss the connections and messages people would write me; I honestly was shocked anyone read it. My overthinking was typed out and escaping my mind, it’s freeing in a way. I also liked when people viewed me as a human behind the gram, the camera. So, let’s get back to that.
We’re DEEP in the spicy depression season, eh? I’m not doing so hot and it’s clear most others aren’t either. And THANK GOD we aren’t alone and we are going through this together… despite feeling less connected to other humans than ever before. I thought I’d share some random and not-so-fun thoughts off the top of my head to make you feel heard, understood, a little less stir crazy. Because, let’s be frank; winter gives us a lot of time to overthink & over-analyze our thoughts to the point where it’s hard to differ between a passing thought vs. intrusive. Your reality starts to get construed.
Whack @$$ thoughts, feelings and all the shenanigans:
I’m constantly in a state of being scared of how tired I’ll be. It keeps me frozen in bed in the morning. I look out the bedroom door and think “when I finally get up, I’m going to be so tired.” If I make plans with a friend a few weeks in advance, I’m constantly hoping I wont be tired that day or when the day nears, all I can think of is “I’m going to be so tired when we hang out” even when I don’t have trouble with sleep 95% of the time. It’s a constant fear and surrounds every activity and that in itself, is draining. Is ‘tired-anxiety’ a thing? Because if so, I’m the top candidate for a scientific study.
I actually have no hope in the world/economy recovering for the rest of my prime youth. I pretend I do most days just to get by but I’m 101% sure that I’ll never see life as boomers saw it; hopeful, work hard play hard, cottage house on a lake for the summer, a beautiful cozy home that’s paid off in your 50’s, etc. I know I won’t have that unless I win the lottery and I don’t buy lottery tickets. It’s not a lack of motivation either; I’ve just worked my butt off too hard and saw little to no reward (in comparison to the generations before us) and yeah, that f*cking stings. But yes, I’m still grateful for what I have and I try to practice that A LOT lately.
I’m in such a heavy state of brain fog most days that I wouldn’t be surprised if I woke up from this being a ‘dream.’ I practice grounding myself, awakening all the senses (touch 3 things, name 2 things you hear, smell one thing, etc.) but it doesn’t help. I’m exercising on a regular basis and incorporating a really clean diet that I can keep up with for life but… it doesn’t help. I also consume too much weed which definitely supports the fog but I’m in such a state of overthinking that I can’t function on pure sobriety. I’ll try a tolerance break again soon.
I worry about aging; not in the sense of wrinkles and grey hair (I’ll deal with that when it happens) but in the sense that no one will want to hire a 50 year old photographer for their ‘hip & cool wedding.’ I feel like my career comes with an expiry date to work with youth, that one day I’ll be considered ‘out of the loop’, especially with the fast pace of trends. Of course I’ll connect with others in my age group as I grow in my career but it’s simply an underlying loom of anxiety I have attached with this profession. That being said; if I loved a 65 year olds portfolio, I’m hiring them no doubt, age means nothing to me. I just hope it’s the same for others.
On the topic of trends - I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve always felt disconnected from most other girls because I cannot give a sh*t about ‘blueberry milk nails’ or ‘cowboy copper hair’ that’ll be in trend ~sPrInG 2o24~, bleh. If you love something, do it. If you don’t, don’t. If you want your nails to be blueberry milk colour, go for it. Don’t do it because it’s the newest thing and you’re craving validation to constantly be ‘upgrading’ yourself. It’s consumerism at it’s core and idolizing celebs who have so much money to keep up with trends that we can’t even fathom living that wealthy. Theres nothing more cool, hip and in-style than embracing what you love. And even embracing the trends that you do love. Everything comes down to confidence. The next trend isn’t going to finally make you become someone.. do what you love for the simplicity of loving it. And others will follow that feeling you so confidently embrace.
I live in a constant state of thinking I’m about to fall behind or get in trouble. This stems from childhood and capitalism. My brain can literally convince me that if I don’t clean up the dishes for a few hours and sit down to relax instead, doomsday is coming. And I’ve been working hard to combat this but it’s exhausting to force yourself to ‘relax’ when your brain is screaming at you the whole time and your subconscious is saying ‘if you just do it now it’ll be done and you can relax.’ But no, I’ll keep practising this until I can let that voice pass through my head and not stay there yelling at me for hours. Stress is the biggest killer.
A more positive thought to end on… go hug a tree. No, seriously. Go for a walk in a quiet spot and go hug a tree all alone or with a friend. It’ll make you stop and appreciate life, perhaps it’ll be a little emotional. A tree gives so many things on this earth, life. It provides us with the ability to breathe, taking in our toxic man-made chemicals and replenishing it with pure oxygen. That’s beautiful as it gets and we need to appreciate the little things - just like they say - or else you’ll consume yourself with thoughts like I’ve listed above.
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- River <3